at any given point 

there is a pop song playing in my head

currently I am listening to me against the music by Britney spears

so far I have not figured out exactly what it means

recently I have found solice in ke$ha's blah blah blah

I think it mirrors the same time I started to push back against the institution 

when I realized that I did not need to continually apologize for being deviant from the normative student

I have only become aware of myself as disabled by my enrollment at this university

by the way that I don't understand emails

how in plain English i suppose it is written into the syllabus what we are supposed to do and yet i still don't understand

when i miss important information because of this

there's really no one to be upset with its just that i know there has to be a discrepancy i don't understand

or the way that zoom has changed my academic career altogether 

and its been a slap in the face

how much more accessible its been

how i wish it had been this way the last four years

or the social contracts that i never knew existed 

that i am only now coming to understand the people around me engage in

i sort of cant tell you what they are i only know i violate them

an example when i speak up in class 

or 

when i try to explain something

and i lose track of what i am thinking

a gap 

where do i go

and the class understands the first bit of the thought

and then the next bit i try to make sense of it all

my psychiatrist wants to see if I'm having seizures

weve already checked for that though

we know of all the comorbid symptoms that create this

i wrote to a professor once

a professor i cared a lot about

someone who i don't know what social contract i violated but i mustve violated one because we no longer keep in contact

in my reflection i wrote

i came to understand my disability in this class

which is wonderful

but i don't think it should've happened here

meaning that the work was too hard

and she didn't have room for extensions

i think about it a lot

my psychiatrist told me I'm ocd yesterday

I've always known that but never thought much about it