
Celi Glastris
at any given point
there is a pop song playing in my head
currently I am listening to me against the music by Britney spears
so far I have not figured out exactly what it means
recently I have found solice in ke$ha's blah blah blah
I think it mirrors the same time I started to push back against the institution
when I realized that I did not need to continually apologize for being deviant from the normative student
I have only become aware of myself as disabled by my enrollment at this university
by the way that I don't understand emails
how in plain English i suppose it is written into the syllabus what we are supposed to do and yet i still don't understand
when i miss important information because of this
there's really no one to be upset with its just that i know there has to be a discrepancy i don't understand
or the way that zoom has changed my academic career altogether
and its been a slap in the face
how much more accessible its been
how i wish it had been this way the last four years
or the social contracts that i never knew existed
that i am only now coming to understand the people around me engage in
i sort of cant tell you what they are i only know i violate them
an example when i speak up in class
or
when i try to explain something
and i lose track of what i am thinking
a gap
where do i go
and the class understands the first bit of the thought
and then the next bit i try to make sense of it all
my psychiatrist wants to see if I'm having seizures
weve already checked for that though
we know of all the comorbid symptoms that create this
i wrote to a professor once
a professor i cared a lot about
someone who i don't know what social contract i violated but i mustve violated one because we no longer keep in contact
in my reflection i wrote
i came to understand my disability in this class
which is wonderful
but i don't think it should've happened here
meaning that the work was too hard
and she didn't have room for extensions
i think about it a lot
my psychiatrist told me I'm ocd yesterday
I've always known that but never thought much about it